My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”