King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Huge, if true.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one