You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
just pretend nothing happened
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years