If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.