One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…