Beware of the dog..
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”