No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
the three branches of government
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?