Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My Sentiments Exactly
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.