I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.