Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
That earthquake could have been an email.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst