My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.