Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
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BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My zodiac sign is pistachio
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend