Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”