Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Sing it!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.