People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
house sitting!
#dnd #ttrpg
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad