Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Dune (2021)
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
fly smarter, not harder
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*