[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The Wolf of Wall Street.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.