Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.