Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
*exercises sarcastically*
I feel attacked.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)