I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Interior design 👌
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”