I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.