“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?