A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh boy, $150,000!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
WHO DID THIS?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.