The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
bad news gang
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn