This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*