[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.