[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.