Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.