I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No