I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.