me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
#DesignFail
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?