Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
dictator is short for richard potato
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy