I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.