My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”