How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.