Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*