Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
so i’m at the stock market right
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.