When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.