guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”