If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
58.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off