THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.