I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.