If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
incredible
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.