My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Autocorrect completely socks
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.