ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
lmfao come on
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.