“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that