Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
the last thing a carrot sees
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The news in a nutshell.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?