Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.