I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.