when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
You Might Also Like
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.